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Jewish World Review Feb. 7, 2013/ 27 Shevat, 5773 The bow, the bump, Namaste and the nod By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) If you want proof that everybody has gone a little overboard when it comes to fretting about this year's flu epidemic, look no further than advice given, seriously, by a doctor interviewed in the newspaper about how to avoid getting sick. The doctor's No. 1 recommendation? Do not shake hands. That makes sense, I suppose, but I had to laugh at his suggested "alternatives," which included "a deep bow, a fist bump, the peace sign nod or saying Namaste." OK, first off, if you meet someone in a professional setting and he extends his hand and you respond with a deep bow, he's going to think you've got a screw loose or you are having a flu-induced hallucination that you're actually a contestant on "Iron Chef." Ditto responding with "Namaste," which is accomplished by pressing your palms together in front of your chest and bowing slightly. This is fine at the end of a yoga class but it's going to come off as super weird if you're just ending a meeting with your accountant or your kid's teacher. Besides, people who don't routinely "Namaste" are very uncomfortable about saying it back because we have no idea what it means. I'll admit that the first time somebody said that to me, I was so confused that the only response I could come up with was, "Right back atcha." Which was only slightly better than my first thought: "Oh, no, that's OK, I'm Christian." As to a "peace sign nod," this puts you at risk of looking like a pathetic patchouli-wearing old hippie. I'm not sure exactly what the "nod" part is but I guess it follows the traditional peace sign with two fingers held aloft and is accompanied by a heartfelt vintage '70s exclamation of "Solid!" As for a fist bump? Face it; the only people that don't look stupid doing fist bumps are under age 13 and then only when greeting their church league basketball coaches. OK, that's not right. Even then it looks stupid. The expert said that if a handshake simply can't be avoided, it's important to wash your contaminated hand immediately with soap and hot water or start spritzing it with hand sanitizer. This will make a great impression when you meet your prospective father-in-law for the first time, gents. "So wonderful to meet you, sir! Your daughter has told me so much about you! Now, if you'll excuse me, since you have shaken my hand, I really must take a full-on Silkwood shower. I'm sure you understand. Fix yourself a drink. This shouldn't take more than an hour … 90 minutes tops." I get that we should all take normal precautions and use common sense, like staying home when sick if it's at all possible. At lunch last week, the waitress slammed down my food and coughed noisily. "Are you OK?" I asked. "I'd have to feel better to die," she said somberly. "Who wants dessert?" Un-Namaste. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of 'You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl'. Help wanted, royally Cussing has become lazy Resolving to break the following resolutions Living the Pottery Barn life . . . in her mind Banking on celebrity fame, shame . . . and cover-worthiness When your email provider belies your, ahem, age Bringing Anarchy home Betting on a celebrity calamity Undergarments on parade All the news that's fit . . . for the toilet Nutty? Or just too much Nutella? Have a seat . . . if you dare Motherhood, Hollywood style Parents, kids don't want you at games Parents, kids don't want you at games It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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