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Jewish World Review The envelope, please! By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Years ago, media guru Tony Schwartz posed a simple but interesting question. "When a horse walks across the TV screen in 'Bonanza,'" he asked, "is it acting?" Unlike humans (and cats), a horse doesn't know the camera is rolling. A horse doesn't have to pretend that it's not aware of being filmed, but an actor does. And that is the greatest hurdle screen actors have to jump -- acting as if they don't know there's a giant camera 2 feet away. They also have to act as if they don't know there are 40 people milling around behind the camera -- grips, gaffers, boom operators, lead men, buyers, makeup artists, script supervisors, producers, sound engineers, set dressers, doubles, stuntmen, costume designers, camera operators, the production designer, the director of photography, the director and other actors. In fact, all these crew members are acting, too. They are acting as if they are not in a silly business. The actors' words come out in an eerie, unnatural silence. There is no music or ambient noise -- all that will be added later. On the set, it all seems so fake, so phony. It is the very opposite of reality. Reality is noisy and uncontrolled. Filming is anything but. It is often tedious and boring. A horse isn't thinking, "What will my face look like when it's 20 feet tall on a movie screen? My pores will be the size of bowling balls." A horse isn't thinking, "Boy, is my 10-year-old going to laugh when she sees this." But a horse doesn't expect to get an Oscar for acting like a horse, either. A carrot will do just fine, thank you very much. And this is why watching the Academy Awards is always so unsatisfactory. Whereas a horse -- and the nominated performers -- seem oblivious to the cameras, the ceremony itself is supremely aware of them. The producers of the show have everything exactly backward; the entire enterprise is designed to fail. They'll waste tons of time on horrible, inane, overproduced musical numbers that no one wants to see, which doesn't leave any time for the winners' acceptance speeches, which most people would like to see. Even people who haven't seen any of the nominated movies -- even people who haven't been to the movies at all this year -- will watch the Academy Awards. The only people tuning in to see a chorus line dance to the theme song of "Argo" are the people who wrote it. The producers' solution to boring acceptance speeches that run too long? Start up the orchestra. Their solution to fascinating, revealing, compelling acceptance speeches that run too long? Start up the orchestra. Instead of using judgment and a hook, they use a stopwatch. I can easily sit through the award for "best short film no one except the immediate family has ever seen." What's hard to take is the parade of last year's winners awkwardly reading lame jokes off the teleprompter that they seem to have never seen before. They make the shepherds in the third-grade Christmas pageant look positively professional. It's amazing how nervous and uncomfortable most of these actors look on live TV. If you saw them on the Oscars before you saw them in a movie, you'd wonder what they did for a living. Each year the producers do something to get "the youngsters" to tune in. Why? When Dame Judi Dench shows up wearing a nose stud and a tattoo, that doesn't mean the kids will suddenly tune in. It means the rest of us will tune out. Teenagers want to see "Lincoln" and "Life of Pi" like they want their parents to come with them on a date. I do love the movies, but I watch the Academy Awards ceremonies for the unique thrill of seeing 15 minutes of good television crammed into three hours. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: The car of the future Where's Gutenberg when you need him? You are what you watch Today's special: Cacophony, with a side order of the flu His and her movies WARNING: The local gym may be hazardous to your health The Starbucks Gap Meat-free holiday about as happy as a heart attack All I don't want is another gadget We went to the fiscal cliff and all i got was this stupid t-shirt Some years, you just want to stay home The first Thanksgiving family feud Spamming the globe Suburban mall is an endangered species Worthless heist: Only in the world fine arts The debate debate Looking for a shortcut to penury? Buy a car The pros and cons of a chicken tattoo Does saying 'no' make us bad grandparents? Crying 'foul' over ballpark proposals College loans and job-search groans That buzzing you hear is the sound of time flying Too much of anything can get annoying Five billionth in line for the throne WARNING! This article may cause drowsiness The mail and email of the species Jotting down the un-bucket list Bees deliver stinging fashion critique Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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