Like millions of other Facebook users, I recently succumbed to the latest online fad, persuaded by an outsized sense of self-importance to post "25 Random Things About Me" to my Facebook page. But then I thought, "Since this is an exercise in pure narcissism anyway, why should my Facebook Friends be the only ones lucky enough to benefit from these deep personal insights I took upwards of seven minutes to come up with? Especially when I also have a column due?"
Unable to dissuade myself, I decided to share the following:
1. I once donated a kidney to a stranger, but when his body rejected it, the surgeons put it right back in me.
2. I hold the world record for length of time juggling a yellow tomato, a Koosh ball and an unopened roll of toilet paper. My mark: 11 seconds.
3. While traveling in Sweden recently, I discovered that after just a week I could speak the language fluently. Unfortunately, the language was Hindi.
4. I'm learning to play the pan flute — just try to stop me from playing it for you. Lord knows many have tried!
5. If I could bring any three CDs with me to a desert island, they would be "Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits," "The Chipmunks Christmas Album" and "Yanni: Live at the Acropolis." I figure that eventually I'm going to get sick of whatever CDs I bring, so I might as well hate them already.
6. I often wonder how much more upbeat the great German philosopher might have been had his name been Immanuel Can.
7. It's always hard to decide on a favorite set of homonyms, but if pressed, I'd have to go with "popery" and "potpourri."
8. I may not be the smartest person around, and I may not be the best looking guy out there either, or the most athletic for that matter, or the most talented, and I also don't have the most money.
9. The name "Wendy" originated in the J.M. Barrie play "Peter Pan." Nothing to do with me, technically, but an interesting fact nevertheless.
10. I'm surprisingly good at games of chance — I'd say I win them nearly half the time!
11. The most overused word in the English language is "overused."
12. Billy Bob Thornton is definitely in my top ten list of actors who are named "Billy Bob."
13. Say what you will about Satanists with all their blood rituals and devil-worship, but at least they don't go door to door trying to convert you.
14. Whenever I see a troupe of boy scouts walking down the street, I like to shout at them, "Get out while you can — it's a cult!"
15. I named my first cat "Soylent Green" so that I could tell guests, "He thinks he's people."
16. My mother once told me that my biggest problem was that I procrastinate too much. I swear one of these days I'm going to prove her wrong.
17. Did you know that fully 64 percent of all quoted statistics are made up?
18. The great thing about going to the movies with me is that I'm not shy about sharing my thoughts on any plot holes, shoddy writing, continuity errors or lackluster acting that I spot.
19. A "lifetime achievement award" is a terrific way of saying, "None of your individual performances was all that exceptional, but you sure did keep at it, so here you go."
20. I don't understand the word "beheaded." Shouldn't that be when you put a head on something, as in "the bartender did a nice job beheading the pint of Bass?" Getting your head cut off should be "de-headed."
21. With Bush out of office, I'm worried about the future of the abstinence-only sex education workshops I give to area schools, starring my beloved animated characters "Abstin Ant" and "Monoga Mouse."
22. People like to gripe about all the bugs in Microsoft Windows Vista, but I'd like to see them try to run their computers without an operating system. Not so easy, is it?
23. The only man I ever met I didn't like was Will Rogers.
24. I know I shouldn't tune in to American Idol just in the hopes of seeing a person who is clearly troubled and needs professional intervention coming unhinged on camera, but how can anyone resist watching Paula Abdul?
25. When some birds hit a plane and the pilot flies into the Hudson River, he's a hero, but when a bird flies into my windshield and my car winds up the neighbor's pool, suddenly I'm a jerk?
25. My most admirable trait would no doubt be "attention to detail."
