There are times when you simply need to break out of the mold, raise the bar and
swing from a star. You know, use real cream in your coffee instead of that
non-fat stuff. End a sentence with a preposition. Leave the drive-through
without waiting for your 3 cents change.
Or maybe read Google's instructions on "How to Walk Like a Diva"
What gal can't use a new spring in her step?
You should know that walking like a diva is not for amateurs. It is a complex
10-step process, which is only two steps less than the process for staying
sober. By the end of this, you can see how the two directly relate.
Step No. 1 advises that you pretend that your head is being pulled up by a hair
on the crown of your head to elongate your neck, lift your chest, and allow your
shoulders to fall back.
Word of caution: You'll probably need to move the coffee table and the sofa to
have enough room to work.
You should also pretend that there is a string attached to your sternum that
lifts your chest toward the sky to hold your ribcage up off of your pelvis. Now
pull your navel into your back.
If you catch a glimpse of this contorted stance in the mirror, you may look like
a short giraffe with a slipped disc, but don't worry. Keep going -- it gets
worse.
Step No. 2 says to repeat to yourself: Chin up, neck long, shoulders back, chest
out, abs tight, pelvis forward and buttocks tight.
Right. If I could remember all that in my head, I wouldn't have to write down a
list of three things I need from the grocery.
The next few steps involves the "slightly's." You should arrange your body as
slightly pigeon-toed, slightly knock-kneed and slightly knock-elbowed. Let your
arms hang with your elbows bent.
The frightening thing is, I can do this part with ease. Why? Because I have seen
this stance every day for the past year at a nearby pond. It is the stance of a
Great Blue Heron stalking his prey.
Now, standing with all major body parts thrust counter clockwise, you should
rotate your pelvis in vertical and horizontal circles. Now, my pretty, you are
ready for the walk.
Walk as if you are walking on a tightrope, allow your hips (the ones now
dislocated) to sway (no problem, they won't go back where they belong) and your
arms (still bent at the elbows) to swing feely.
Steps 8 through 10 require some serious multi-tasking. Try to appear as though
you are walking into the wind. Place each leg directly in front of the other
leg, the way a cat does.
For the grand finale, lift your legs boldly in the same manner as a horse trots.
The end result is a diva walk that is something of a cross between Clydesdales
pulling the Budweiser beer wagon and Hitler's brown shirts goose-stepping
through Berlin.
I take my first diva baby steps to meet the UPS man, who is dropping off a
package. He says, "Hello, that must have been some accident you were in," and
sprints back to his truck.
I diva walk back to my workstation, clipping the door molding, kicking the back
of my computer chair and wrenching both knees. The ads on the computer screen
are for a joint surgeon, hip pain and aching legs.
Coincidence? I don't think so, diva.
