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Jewish World Review
Feb. 2, 2007
/ 14 Shevat, 5767
“Idol” appearance in exploratory committee
I just finished reading another piece chastising the brutish behavior of the judges on "American Idol" when I begin toying with the idea of making a run for it myself. In keeping with the times, I like to call it my exploratory committee.
"What do you think about me auditioning for 'American Idol?'" I casually ask the husband.
He drops his newspaper, peers over the top of his reading glasses and says, "Well, for starters you can't sing."
"Take that back," I snap. "I can sing."
"OK, fine," he says. "You can sing. You just can't sing on key."
"That's better. I'll need to have it in my bio that someone close to me said I could sing." I begin taking notes: My husband was the first one to notice that I could sing.
"OK, now what do you think about my dancing? My choreography?"
"Of course, I want honesty. I'll be going on a show with 33 million viewers."
"I would have to say your dancing is on a par with your singing."
"Let's put that in perspective," I snap. "When we danced at the McFee wedding last month who managed to remain upright the entire time she was on the dance floor?"
"You did. But the only reason I fell is that I went too low on the last refrain of 'Twist and Shout.'"
"Irrelevant," I respond. "So, would you say, that between the two of us, I was the better dancer?"
"You were the best," he says.
Another note: My family says I am the best dancer.
"Assuming you can find a screener with exceptionally low vision and impaired hearing, what exactly do you plan on doing for your audition?"
"I will be doing my high school fight song with the corresponding arm motions but minus the pom-poms. I'll have to march in place, but I don't think Simon will mind. It will require less eye movement from him."
"Isn't your school fight song an adaptation of 'California Here I Come?'"
"Yes it is. Y-E-L-L-O-W J-A-C-K-E-T-S, we yell it, we spell it, all through the game! We never will change it, it will always be the same!"
"And you know they're going to detest it, right?."
"I'm counting on it. Randy will say, 'Sorry, dawg.' Paula will slide out of her chair and slur something unintelligible, and Simon will deliver a scathing critique -- hopefully something with name calling and disparaging comments about my physical appearance."
The husband shakes his head.
"It's the new American dream," I say. "You become famous for having no talent, for being delusional and having those around you encourage you in your delusions. The two young men the judges blasted this season now have agents. They've done 'The Jimmy Kimmel Show,' 'Today' and are hoping for a spot on 'The View.'
"They're talking commercials. And don't forget William Hung, the civil engineering student who turned his lack of talent into a $25,000 recording deal and a movie.
"I'm thinking of crying, too," I say. "Tears ought to be good for a couple of endorsements. What do you think?"
"I think it's just twisted enough it might work."
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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.
© 2006, Lori Borgman