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Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2005 / 16 Adar I, 5765 Take My Column, Please By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH:
When I read that your administration has been secretly giving money to columnists to write complimentary things about your agenda, I was outraged. You never offered me a cent!
Now I'm even more outraged to learn that you've ordered the practice stopped. I urge you to reconsider. Your mistake was not in bribing these columnists, it was in limiting your bribes to conservative sympathizers. We liberal columnists can sell out, too. And, may I also note that humor is an overlooked vehicle for the shameless promotion of your initiatives.
Please consider this an audition.
AN IRAQI INSURGENT walks into a bar, orders a drink and proposes a toast "to the health of the great George W. Bush."
The bartender is dumbfounded. "How can you — a murderous, insane, poorly shaved religious fanatic — drink to the health of a man who embodies everything you oppose: namely, the spread of freedom and liberty and goodness across the globe?"
The filthy swine slaps his forehead. "You are right!" he says. "Forget the drink. I'd better beheading home!"
A THIRD-GRADE TEACHER is being reprimanded by the principal.
"I am very disappointed in you," the principal scolds. "From what I have heard, you have given up on several of your slower students, condemning them to unfulfilled lives in the soft bigotry of low expectations. This is in direct violation of George W. Bush's visionary No Child Left Behind policy, which ensures that every American youth has an opportunity to reach his or her potential. Even worse, I hear that you have humiliated these children by making them pull down their pants and expose one buttock."
"Ohhh,'' says the embarrassed teacher, a typically stupid blue-stater."I thought I was supposed to 'know child's left behind!' "
HOW MANY LIBERALS does it take to screw a drill bit down into a wilderness area to tap vast reserves of oil that will reduce our dependence on despotic Middle Eastern nations while producing absolutely no long-term environmental damage?
None. Liberals never screw things down. They only screw things up!
PRESIDENT BUSH AND TWO ENEMIES OF FREEDOM are on a small airplane when the pilot keels over dead. The plane plummets. There are only two parachutes. The first enemy of freedom grabs one and says, "I need to remain alive so I can continue to ensure that people live in tyranny," and jumps out of the plane. The second evildoer grabs the second parachute and says, "If I die, who will enslave the masses?" and jumps out of the plane.
President Bush says to himself, "Gosh, it's too bad that we are over the ocean and those fellows are going to drown." Then, utilizing the skills he learned when defending our country in the National Guard, he takes over the controls himself and brings the plane down safely on an island. Chuckling softly, he says, "Mission accomplished."
I JUST FLEW IN FROM BAGHDAD, where I have been commanding thousands of brave troops who are fighting day and night to spread liberty across the globe, and, boy, are my armies tired!
TWO GAY SINNERS move to Massachusetts to get "married." One has the sort of glib arrogance that passes for intelligence among the liberal elite, and he gets a job teaching at Harvard. The other is as dumb as a blonde who opposes privatizing Social Security.
One day, the professor comes home to find his "husband" with a pair of shears, shredding every napkin, pillow sham, bed skirt and doily in the house!
"What are you doing to our beautiful linens?!" he cries.
"Just following the gay agenda, like you told me!" the dumb one answers. "I'm destroying the social fabric!"
SO THE GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND watching a Jane Fonda tape on the VCR in Hell's living room. The doorbell rings.
"Don't get up, Adolf," says Satan. "I'll get it."
He opens the door and the flames shoot out to illuminate the face of Sen. Paul Wellstone.
"Go away!" yells Satan, and he slams the door.
"What?" says Stalin. "But he belongs here! He was the most liberal senator ever! He was a major proponent of failed tax-and-spend policies!"
". . . And he opposed all of George W. Bush's strategic initiatives!" says Pol Pot.
". . . And he coddled criminals!" says Jeffrey Dahmer.
". . . And in perpetuating the crippling dependency of the underclass through welfare entitlements!" says Caligula.
"That's the problem," says Satan. "I just find him too scary!"
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