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Jewish World Review Feb. 7, 2003 / 5 Adar I 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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LET'S GET RID OF SADDAM --- ON EBAY!



Lets Make Our Problems, Someone Else's


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | A couple weeks ago I attempted to sell my family on Ebay for $5 million. Darn near did it, too. That is until I found out the fellow who made the big bid wanted more than a platonic relationship with my wife. Geesh. If I can't, why should he?

Anyway, the Ebay thing gathered more international attention than I could've ever imagined. We were interviewed by Matt Lauer, interrogated by Connie Chung and was even fair and balanced on Fox News. John Walsh flew us from L.A. to the Big Apple just to ask us why we did it. We were news throughout the world. My Russian daughter-in-law's mother was appalled that there were crazy people in America who want to sell their family. My daughter-in-law didn't have the heart to tell her that the crazy guy was her new father-in-law. I did radio and print interviews from the U.K. to Britain, from England to that country with Queen Elizabeth. My mother even heard two women at her weight-watcher's group discussing the nuts on Ebay. She was thrilled to tell them, "That nut was my son!" I love my mom.

Point is, Ebay can be a powerful international force. We had 11,000 hits on our ad in less than 24 hours. Ebay touches everyone, everywhere. Instead of it being used for only individual and selfish means, why don't we take advantage of this exceptional tool for the good of all mankind? So it is that I propose to the officials at Ebay: Open up your site for auctions that will do some real good.

If there was some idiot out there willing to pay $5 mil for an annoying Hollywood writer and his family, certainly we can find some jokers who would be willing to take plenty of other irritants off our hands.

For example, before we put our boys and girls in harm's way, perhaps we can use the Ebay auction diplomatically to get rid...

SADDAM HUSSEIN - Bid now and receive a YASSAR ARAFAT at NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE.

I mean, some wealthy, good Samaritan out there who could make a decent offer, then whisk Saddam away to somewhere who cares.

Let's not stop there. Here are a few more candidates for the Ebay auction block.

LET'S MAKE ALL THESE PEOPLE SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM

FRANCE - And that's not all. We'll throw in Germany FREE!

HOLLYWOOD STARS who tell us their politics and how we should do our business. PLUS: A matching set of politicians who tell Hollywood how to run their business.

TELEMARKETERS who call during dinner. ADDED BONUS!: All other telemarketers.

Buy Hussein Now...PLEASE!

MICHAEL JACKSON - No one under 18 may bid. Better make that under 40.

THE PATHETIC SYCOPHANTS who create computer virus's because they have no other way of getting attention.

SPECIAL EXTRA: People who believe and forward e-mails purporting Bill Gates will send out $250 just for forwarding the message. THERE'S EVEN MORE! You'll get the unfunny people who think they're funny because they forward jokes on the Internet.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH - Including the 30 or 40 skinny people inside of her fighting to get out.

PLUS: Her repulsive attorney who actually gives attorneys who represent Hollywood star murderers a bad name.

WE'LL ALSO THROW IN the E! ENTERTAINMENT EXECUTIVES who continue to humiliate this poor wretch who has no idea what's happening.

CAR COMMERCIALS where people dance in their cars.

GLORIA JAMES - The mother of high school superstar, LEBRON JAMES. INCLUDES $50K, HUMMER the jobless mom took out a loan for as an 18th birthday present for her unspoiled son.

EVERY MONEY-GRUBBING WOMEN ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE" - We'll throw in Joe for good measure.

AMERICAN IDOL'S SIMON - INCLUDES a list of 1000 different way to say that he is incredibly tiresome.

And AT NO ADDITIONAL COST! Last year's winner, KELLY CLARKSON, who's only legacy will be that she was a favorite on Disney Radio.

You can bid on Steve at eBay right now at http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2910548837



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
01/09/03: You can buy your very own family...on eBay
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
12/09/02: FDA OKAYS "SOLARIS" FOR TREATMENT OF SLEEP APNEA
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider trading...it's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA

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© 2002, Steve Young