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Jewish World Review Feb. 1, 2001 / 9 Shevat, 5761
The Internet and intimacy
A husband is having an
e-mail relationship with a
woman he has never met
and who lives oceans
away. Is he "cheating" on
his wife?
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
A WOMAN WRITES:
I do not want to forbid my husband from having a
friend. But, I feel that the nature of this e-mail
correspondence is creating a violation in my
marriage -- it is private, instantaneous, and it makes it
easy to confide innermost feelings. It is detracting
from the intimacy I used to feel with my husband, and
I feel that there is a third person now living in my
house.
I have a friend whose marriage is ending in divorce
because of an online affair. Another friend is aware of
a correspondence but is waiting for time to tell. Could
you please comment on this growing phenomenon,
and perhaps give guidelines as to what is appropriate
and what is not? I am confused and uncertain.
The Jewish perspective informs that the
physical is only one chapter of the intimacy
story. The other critical elements that make
up the full equation consist of the mind, body,
soul and heart. Indeed, if any of these
dimensions are missing, the relationship is
deficient.
PROHIBITIONS
If the couple has quarreled and are still at odds with one
another.
If either one is thinking of divorce.
These are all situations that speak to hearts and minds that are not
totally committed to and engaged with each other.
Nachmanides, a 12th century commentator, in a letter written to his
son in preparation for his wedding, underscores the emotional
component of intimacy without which, he states, the conjugal
human experience is lowered to one more consistent with animal
behavior.
When the focus is a physical one alone, it is a flagrant
contradiction of the Hebrew term for intimacy, which is yedia,
"knowledge." As in: And Adam knew Eve, his wife.
The definition of "knowing" expands cohabitation to thorough
understanding of one's spouse's feelings, concerns, fears, doubts,
and vulnerabilities. Nachmanides notes that yedia, "knowledge,"
flows from the loftiest of human resources, the mind.
GARMENTS OF THE SOUL
thought,
Thoughts are the crucible of our expressed emotions as well as
our behavior. Where is a person really at, ask Chassidic sources?
Not necessarily where one is physically standing, but rather where
his thoughts take him.
A noted Hassidic rebbe, at the conclusion of a Sabbath service
shook the hand of one of his congregants with a Shalom
Aleichem "Welcome Home." The congregant, in great
bewilderment, protested that he hadn't traveled anywhere. The
rebbe responded, that while physically he had been present during
services, his mind and his thoughts had been on his business trip
to Europe; now that his thoughts had returned him to the here and
now, the rebbe welcomed him back.
While it is true that the email relationship in
which the writer's husband is engaged is not
a physical one, it obviously occupies the
focus of his thoughts and thereby constitutes
a breach of intimacy between husband and
wife.
Shared feelings and communication are the
currency of intimacy. To the extent that a
mind that is preoccupied with another of the opposite gender, it is
not "there" for his spouse. The better part of him is absent, and the
exclusive intimate relationship has been compromised.
BUILDING A BRIDGE
The husband needs to understand that resorting to the Internet to
meet this particular need of friendship is "a copout" and "easy fix."
It's an avoidance mechanism that precludes putting forth the
necessary effort that a marriage requires. A good marriage
demands renewal and constant infusion of new energy.
An e-mail relationship is an exposure to a small part of a person. It
creates an out of context impression of that person. It is exposure
to that individual with none of the myriad of the nitty-gritty daily life
stresses and pressures that challenge all of us and invariably
reduce us in size and stature in our spouses' eyes. The e-mail
correspondents share none of these. Their relationship is
uncontaminated by real life. As such it is a mere fantasy and
illusion.
Recognizing that there is something significant missing in a
marriage, confronting it, and addressing it with the willingness to
put forth the requisite hard work can make the relationship stronger
than
By Rebbetzin Faige Twerski
My husband is having an e-mail relationship with a
woman friend. I consider it a violation of boundaries,
but he insists it is just a friendship. Because this
person lives in another country, there is no physical
contact and it could indeed be labeled a "friendship."
Intimacy in marriage is generally misunderstood to be merely
physical.
Jewish law prohibits intimate physical relations between husband
and wife if they are not on a par emotionally. There are nine
conditions under which physical intimacy is prohibited. Among
these are:
If either is drunk.
If either one is thinking of another person of the opposite
gender, etc.
Kabalistic works as well as other sources, teach that the soul of the
human being clothes itself in three garments by which it manifests
itself in the world:
word, and
deed.
I would recommend that the couple choose to speak with someone
they both trust -- therapist, rabbi or wise friend. The wife should
divest herself of rancor and defensiveness and focus instead on
ways to bridge the gap in their relationship. How can they create
an emotional environment that is safe for sharing and confiding to
each other their innermost feelings? How can they bring friendship
back into their marriage?
Rebbetzin Feige Twerski, a columnist for Aish.com,
has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures
worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11
children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to
divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband,
Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of
Milwaukee. Comment by clicking here.