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Jewish World Review Today's special: Cacophony, with a side order of the flu By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "Hi, I'm Stacy, and I'll be your server. Can I get you something to drink while you look at the menu?" she yelled over the high-decibel music. Over Stacy's shoulder I could see seven large-screen TVs, each showing a different sports event -- football, basketball, soccer, skiing, snowboarding, hockey and pingpong. Many more were scattered around the restaurant out of my line of sight. It's odd, but when we eat at home, I can't tell you how often we turn on the television and the radio at the same time, or how often we turn up the music volume to 11. Oh, wait, I can tell you. Never. It was hard to hear Screamin' Stacy over the music, but I think she explained that the Drink o' the Day was a chocolate milkshake made with double shots of brandy and tequila. Drink three, and the fourth one's on the house. That sounded a little heavy for lunch, so we stuck with diet sodas. While Stacy was fetching our drinks, we scanned the menus. I suddenly remembered reading that the filthiest things in most restaurants aren't the bathrooms, but the menus. Unlike the bathrooms, the menus never get cleaned. Mine was a little sticky and smelled vaguely of popcorn shrimp. Maybe restaurants should put a bottle of Purell in the condiment tray along with the ketchup and hot sauce. Which brings up another question: How many people have handled that hot sauce bottle today, in the middle of flu season? The giant televisions were starting to annoy me -- not simply because they were on, but because of the lack of variety. Why wasn't "The Voice" on any of the TVs? Or "The View"? Or "NCIS" or "Dr. Phil," or "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" or a thousand other shows? Why was it all sports? "Because you don't need the sound to watch sports," Sue said. "You don't need it to watch Dr. Phil, either," I said. "You know he's going to say to every guest, 'How's that working out for you?' But why do they have TVs at all? We came to eat lunch, not watch highlights of last Saturday's football games." "Most of the time you have to wait in line to get into this place," Sue said. "It must be doing something right." You can't argue with success, but is this how people decide where to eat now? By how many televisions the place has? And if televisions are the deciding factor, wouldn't people want to watch something specific? What if the customer said, "I'll give you a bigger tip if you put on 'American Pickers.'" Would that attract more customers or drive them away? Actually, there's a good chance that the American pickers owned the place we were in. Everything on the wall looked as if it came out of one of those old barns full of junk they find in dirt-road country. There was an old Schwinn bike and a tin sign for Moxie hanging between two of the TV sets, and every other square inch of wall space was covered in memorabilia from the 1950s and '60s reminding people of a simpler time, a time before they put TV sets in restaurants. Two guys were sitting at the bar drinking the brandy/tequila milkshakes and ignoring all the entertainment around them. They were intently watching something on their smartphones. I passed them on my way to try to wash some of the deadly menu viruses off my hands. One guy was playing "Words With Friends"; the other was scoping out his Facebook wall. Now that almost everyone has a little TV with a thousand channels in their pocket, do we even still need the big ones? Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: His and her movies WARNING: The local gym may be hazardous to your health The Starbucks Gap Meat-free holiday about as happy as a heart attack All I don't want is another gadget We went to the fiscal cliff and all i got was this stupid t-shirt Some years, you just want to stay home The first Thanksgiving family feud Spamming the globe Suburban mall is an endangered species Worthless heist: Only in the world fine arts The debate debate Looking for a shortcut to penury? Buy a car The pros and cons of a chicken tattoo Does saying 'no' make us bad grandparents? Crying 'foul' over ballpark proposals College loans and job-search groans That buzzing you hear is the sound of time flying Too much of anything can get annoying Five billionth in line for the throne WARNING! This article may cause drowsiness The mail and email of the species Jotting down the un-bucket list Bees deliver stinging fashion critique Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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