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Jewish World Review Jan 3, 2012/ 8 Teves, 5772 Friends With Benefits By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The phrase "Friends With Benefits" is now part of our popular culture. It describes two individuals who like each other, are not romantically involved, but they have sex for mutual convenience. The underlying reasoning is that rather engaging in risky, casual sex, with strangers, you can "share" sex with a friend. Before you jump on your soap box or start having sexual fantasies, I must tell you; this essay is about my mother-in-law.
Selma arrived for her visit to our new home and immediately went to use our phone. She explained that she had to call her daughter back in New Jersey to let her know that she had arrived safely. Back in the old days when travel was exotic, adventurous and pleasant this was the custom. The good old days had a very expensive telephone monopoly. Telephones and calls were relatively expensive for most of history. The first telephones in homes were often "party lines" shared by multiple families and they were payphones (now almost extinct) requiring the user to deposit special tokens in their telephones. Selma got on the phone, and wanted to place a collect, person-to-person call to herself, for the phone number at the New Jersey daughter's home. The daughter would answer, refuse to accept the call, and know that her Mother had arrived safely. This ruse allowed travelers in "the old days" to signal their safe arrival, without paying for a phone call. We assured Selma that we could afford for her to go ahead and place the call.
As my wife and I waited, Selma told her daughter on the other line that she was in our home. And then she launched into an enthusiastic speech, saying, "Their home is so much bigger than yours, they have a much larger back yard. So many bedrooms, a big television, it is so nice. I tell you it is a dream house." My mother-in-law made our home seem like a mansion in her description. My wife looked at each other in wonder. We had never heard such superlatives, or compliments from Selma. The fact that they were so exaggerated made Selma's behavior even more puzzling. After concluding with a few more "wonderfuls" and "out this worlds" Selma ended the call. My wife immediately proceeded to help her mother get settled in while I pondered the meaning of all this.
Later that day I asked Selma about her lavish report. She explained to me that she always tried to treat both of her daughters fairly. To be fair, she told each daughter how terrific the other daughter was doing, how great the other daughter looked, how great their husband was, etc. My mother-in-law pointed her finger at me and said, "You've got to keep a balance to be fair."
"But I never heard you give praise to either of your daughters like that?" I objected "No, that wouldn't be fair. You shouldn't make one child feel more special, or superior, than the other child", she instructed me. Not having children, and realizing this discussion was in the danger zone, even I realized that I should shut my mouth. Long ago it was written that arguing with in-laws will only result in trouble. I recall once when my wife complained that I didn't support her, and argue on her behalf when her mother had unjustly criticized her. A few months later when my mother-in-law accused my wife again I sprung to my wife's defense, and received a subsequent reprimand, with instructions, "Don't start arguing with my Mother. Why ruin a nice evening."
Over the years I have learned that "friends with benefits" is rarely fair. One person cares more, hopes it will grow into something else, is desperate, or generally doesn't benefit. At the very least, "comfortable" sabotages striving for better. The person who gains most benefit rejects any charge of unfairness, claiming consent or mutual benefit. Selma fostered a competition between her daughters that benefited her. Each daughter wanted to gain the approval and praise that their mother so apparently bestowed on their sister. Competitions in families can be fun, constructive, or pure manipulation. Adults should be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes in a free society. I just want to remind you that when you hear words like, "consensual", or "friends with benefits" that doesn't make it right, or kind.
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
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© 2010 Alan Douglas
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Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||||
