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Jewish World Review Jan. 24, 2011 / 19 Shevat, 5771 Making Others Feel Bad By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Once upon a time, I pointed out a mistake made by an employee. After a calm explanation as to how it happened, why it was important, and how to correct it in the future, she stared at me in horror. Pointing her finger at me she cried back, "Don't you realize how bad telling me that makes me feel?" She went on to explain how unfair it was of me to cause her distress when she had tried so hard. Sure, the result might be below accepted standards, but that did not excuse "attacking" her. Coaching and warnings she had previously received, she believed, placed additional pressure on her. "Didn't you think I feel bad enough without you bringing this up?" I explained that it was understandable she felt bad since, "It is appropriate when you do something wrong to feel bad." It was not the type of help she wanted. "You shouldn't make people feel bad" was her retort. I was reminded of Oscar Wilde's observation that, "There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has the right to blame us."
Knowing how to handle mistakes and criticism made by you, or others, is a critical skill. This skill is often more important than the original mistake. The common wisdom is, "People who make mistakes should have them pointed out to them. Criticism should not be hurtful, it should be constructive." But there is danger inherent in the common wisdom.
Where recipients of criticism are free to choose how they react, based on when it suits their purposes, you are at their mercy. For mangers who want happy team, this is a trap. The same holds true for parents, generals, and husbands. In the words of one life coach and star performer, Madonna, "Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another." Giving others the power to veto through their reactions is giving your power away.
You cannot shy away from telling essential truths because the recipient is hurt. Nor should you reject the validity of criticism you receive because it was done in a manner that hurt you. Determine the validity of the criticism separate from the reaction. Martin Luther King said, "The highest form of maturity is the ability to be self critical." The distinction between aggressive conduct and abusive behavior is not based upon the response of someone else. Don't accept the subjective reactions of others, as to what is right or wrong. Recognize that it is an important element of leadership, that you must do things that cause unhappiness.
The power of optimism, positive thoughts, self-image, and visualizing success are touted as the key to winning. If you can dream it, ergo… you can do it. This sells books, seminars, and gives ugly ducklings the steadfast belief they are truly swans. Shooting for the stars is noble. If your goals are too low you may be satisfied hitting them, and miss accomplishing what you could do. In most instances, we live with conditions and goals imposed by others. It is how we react that most often determine our success.
What you need the most is to focus on the work/problem at hand. Are you prepared to deal with your own reactions? Can you accept that your feelings may be hurt, but limit your hurt so you can accurately assess the situation? Determine the validity of the criticism, but separate it from who and how it is delivered to you.
Some executives, religious leaders, and bankers use terror as a management technique; they create fear to force obedience and control. Schoolyards are not the only place you find bullies. Do not doubt for one minute that crime doesn't pay. And bullies can get their way. When you are faced with an abusive leader, you often do not always have the luxury of "standing up" to them. You need the job, you need their donation, you need to take their required course, and you have to listen to the prison warden. Practice ignoring the distraction of others yelling at you and concentrate on the issues. Practice having your work criticized. Taking criticism, including really stupid criticism from others, is one of the most important skills you will learn in life. It is not easy to avoid flinching when someone is taking a swing at you.
Developing your ability to handle and evaluate criticism, gives you an enormous advantage. You develop this skill so you can really examine and listen to the criticism to determine what part is useful to you. If you can maintain an emotional balance and distance, then you can make rational decisions.
If you are giving or receiving criticism, you need to become savvy as to what signals you are sending via body language, voice tone, and levels. Use your signals constructively. Read the signals of others, from others. Understand what you are dealing with, abuse, aggressiveness, or melt down, prior to going too far down the road.
"Take charge" leaders can bully their group to the point where they end up with "Yes Men". I sat on a board of directors once and was surprised to hear the association executive give the board information that was totally inaccurate. When one of the board members grilled and interrogated him, the association executive avoided the problem by telling the board member what he wanted to hear. Practice giving and accepting criticism. Practice reading the signals. Be prepared to learn something when life (and criticism) is unfair. Look for ways to avoid bullies when you can. When you cannot avoid them, survive; and learn from the experience. Survival is half the battle.
Attacking or demeaning individuals is wrong. Holding them accountable for their actions is not. Delivering criticism in constructive and private situations is optimum, but not always available. Being abusive is often subjective. Demeaning people for sport is wrong, causing people to feel bad is not wrong. Feeling bad is important. As General, and Secretary of State, Colin Powell said, "A sense of shame is not a bad moral compass."
Uncensored PPS: I write my articles, run them through www.paperrater.com for errors and then send each one to my wife for review. After writing today's column I was in the grocery store and innocently ask my wife, "Hey, isn't that the Thai sauce I like so much in the restaurant?" "No, I've told you three times before it is THE VIETNAMESE SAUCE that you like" she snapped back at me. "That was a bit harsh" I meekly respond. Being the gracious woman that she is, my wife immediately said, "I'm sorry" and I quickly accept her apology with, "It's okay." At the end of the aisle my wife stopped, turned to me and gently explained, "You know, I'm not sorry; you really should develop the ability to handle and evaluate criticism." Being the kind and noble woman that she is, my wife pushed the grocery cart on to the next aisle.
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
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© 2010 Alan Douglas
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