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Jewish World Review Jan. 10, 2011 / 5 Shevat, 5771 Woodpecker Frustration By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Our house is a bit old. When the power goes out, as it did during the storm this week, we have to reset some of the appliances, door bell, timers and clocks. It also means that we have old fashion, genuine wood siding on our house. Wood peckers love wood siding. In addition to the aggravation of our feathered friends pounding on our walls all day, our home has sustained damage. We came home one evening to discover our front yard covered in a dusting of pink snow. It was the wall insulation from our house. The woodpeckers bored through the wood siding and pull out the foam installation seeking food and shelter. We spent hundreds of dollars replacing boards, insulation, and repainting.
We offered seed at other locations, but they rejected our bribes, preferring our house. We tried to scare them but they perched on the fake Owls we hung, and they shoved aside the whirling pinwheels designed to frighten them. When we heard them pecking on the walls, we would bang on the inside walls to scare off the more timid woodpeckers. Consultation with wildlife officials prompted a warning that killing our woodpeckers was a federal crime. After discussions with exterminators, and research on the internet, we tried smearing the side of our house in noxious liquids, chili peppers and sprayed the wood siding with pepper spray. But every few months we hear the constant peck, peck, peck and watch helplessly, as holes appear on the siding of our home.
A few days ago I was working at home when a woodpecker targeted the wall outside my den. I banged the wall repeatedly to scare him off, but the damn bird wouldn't stop. I ran out the front door screaming at the bird. But he kept at his work ignoring me until I was a few feet away. With a 'Who do you think you are?' look he flew over and sat on a branch in a tree in our front yard. He watched with detached contempt as I approached the tree. He knew he was too high for me to be any danger. Finally he left, but we both knew it wasn't over.
Yesterday, I was working in the den when I once again heard the all too familiar tapping sound. I banged on the wall. Like a drunken neighbor hosting a noisy party the woodpecker responded by banged right back, more loudly. I banged on my wall again, even harder, thinking that would certainly scare him. But my barrage was met with another even louder, more infuriating series of bangs on the other side of the wall. I ran to the front door for a show down. I burst out the front door with screaming my battle cry, "I'll kill you!" almost knocking over my two neighbors standing on the porch. Totally surprised, I leapt back, and said, "You scared me to death." My good-natured neighbors patiently told me they had tried using my door bell. It didn't seem to be working so they tried knocking on the door. They thought it odd that each time they knocked there was another loud knock from inside my house; but no one came to the front door. I tried to explain by pointing out that, "I thought you were woodpeckers." The neighbors gave me the holiday gift they had come to deliver and departed quickly. They said they had to leave immediately to run other errands, but there was a look of fear and concern in their eyes. I really didn't intend to kill my neighbors or anyone else; and I didn't think my neighbors were actual wood peckers. My instinct was to defend myself to our neighbors. My wife advised me not to try talking to the neighbors about it since, "They already know you're crazy." Seeking sanctuary in my den, I sat down to write this article. But I swear to you, when I looked out my den window, there sat the woodpecker, with a big smirk on his face.
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
Phrases, Not Resolutions
© 2010 Alan Douglas
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