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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Jan. 10, 2011 / 5 Shevat, 5771

Woodpecker Frustration

By Alan Douglas




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Our house is a bit old. When the power goes out, as it did during the storm this week, we have to reset some of the appliances, door bell, timers and clocks. It also means that we have old fashion, genuine wood siding on our house. Wood peckers love wood siding. In addition to the aggravation of our feathered friends pounding on our walls all day, our home has sustained damage. We came home one evening to discover our front yard covered in a dusting of pink snow. It was the wall insulation from our house. The woodpeckers bored through the wood siding and pull out the foam installation seeking food and shelter. We spent hundreds of dollars replacing boards, insulation, and repainting.

We offered seed at other locations, but they rejected our bribes, preferring our house. We tried to scare them but they perched on the fake Owls we hung, and they shoved aside the whirling pinwheels designed to frighten them. When we heard them pecking on the walls, we would bang on the inside walls to scare off the more timid woodpeckers. Consultation with wildlife officials prompted a warning that killing our woodpeckers was a federal crime. After discussions with exterminators, and research on the internet, we tried smearing the side of our house in noxious liquids, chili peppers and sprayed the wood siding with pepper spray. But every few months we hear the constant peck, peck, peck and watch helplessly, as holes appear on the siding of our home.

A few days ago I was working at home when a woodpecker targeted the wall outside my den. I banged the wall repeatedly to scare him off, but the damn bird wouldn't stop. I ran out the front door screaming at the bird. But he kept at his work ignoring me until I was a few feet away. With a 'Who do you think you are?' look he flew over and sat on a branch in a tree in our front yard. He watched with detached contempt as I approached the tree. He knew he was too high for me to be any danger. Finally he left, but we both knew it wasn't over.

Yesterday, I was working in the den when I once again heard the all too familiar tapping sound. I banged on the wall. Like a drunken neighbor hosting a noisy party the woodpecker responded by banged right back, more loudly. I banged on my wall again, even harder, thinking that would certainly scare him. But my barrage was met with another even louder, more infuriating series of bangs on the other side of the wall. I ran to the front door for a show down. I burst out the front door with screaming my battle cry, "I'll kill you!" almost knocking over my two neighbors standing on the porch. Totally surprised, I leapt back, and said, "You scared me to death." My good-natured neighbors patiently told me they had tried using my door bell. It didn't seem to be working so they tried knocking on the door. They thought it odd that each time they knocked there was another loud knock from inside my house; but no one came to the front door. I tried to explain by pointing out that, "I thought you were woodpeckers."

The neighbors gave me the holiday gift they had come to deliver and departed quickly. They said they had to leave immediately to run other errands, but there was a look of fear and concern in their eyes. I really didn't intend to kill my neighbors or anyone else; and I didn't think my neighbors were actual wood peckers. My instinct was to defend myself to our neighbors. My wife advised me not to try talking to the neighbors about it since, "They already know you're crazy." Seeking sanctuary in my den, I sat down to write this article. But I swear to you, when I looked out my den window, there sat the woodpecker, with a big smirk on his face.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.


Previously:

Phrases, Not Resolutions
I Was A Crime Fighter and Super Hero
Comforting with Sympathizing
Nautical Worry Killers
Can You Keep A Secret?
Holiday Card Hazards
Gifts
Sharing, Transparency and Dumping
Red Alert
Readers Respond Regarding Rabbi
Readers: I Need Your Help with my Rabbi
Humphrey Bogart and P. T. Barnum on Fighting with Family and Friends
Columbus, Honors and Hound Dogs
The Free Lunch
When your child suffers
Conversational Transmitted Diseases
Conservative, Liberal or American
Paris, Antarctica and Shopping
Personal Protection
Dispute Resolution
Jumped or Pushed?
Friends and Acquaintances
Revenge and Vindication

© 2010 Alan Douglas

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