Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Jan. 15, 2010 29 Teves 5770

Guy Talk

By Roger Simon




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The phone rings. It is my friend, Larry.

"Catch you at a bad time?" he asks.

No, no, I pant. Why?

"You seem a little out of breath."

Oh, that, I say. No, I've just been vacuuming.

I immediately regret saying this. This is not guy talk. But I am caught off-guard. I have been vacuuming the stairs and am obviously suffering oxygen deprivation to the brain, which is why I slip and tell the truth. And now I wait for Larry's abuse. I wait for some cutting remark about how real men don't vacuum.

"Canister or upright?" Larry asks.

Uh, upright, I say.

"Hey!" he says, "I'm an upright man myself. Though there is a good argument for the canister."

Yeah, well, there is, I say. Especially on stairs. But with the upright, you don't have the canister following you all over the house like a dog waiting to be fed.

"And bumping into the furniture," Larry says. "I once broke a picture frame that way, and Jeri gave me hell."

Jeri is Larry's wife.

"Though with the canister," Larry says, "the attachments are easier."

Attachments?

"Yeah," Larry says. "What do you use on the drapes?"

Nothing, I say.

"Oh, you've got to get a drapery wand!" Larry says. "Your drapes are the second biggest dust-catcher in the house."

What's the first biggest?

"Jeri says it's me," Larry says.

We both laugh.

Larry, I say, you think our fathers ever had a conversation like this?

"My father, I don't think he ever talked on the telephone to a friend," Larry says. "Not that I can remember, anyway."

I think about this. I remember my mother talking on the phone. I remember my brother and sister and I killing each other to get to the phone, but I don't remember my father talking to friends on the phone.

If our fathers didn't talk on the phone, where did they talk? I ask Larry.

"I think working in the yard," Larry says. "Or exchanging tools or something. My mother was always getting on my father for having enough tools 'to build the Empire State Building' but not doing anything about the busted lint trap in the washer."


Letter from JWR publisher


Totally unrelated, I say.

"Totally," Larry says.

So how's he doin'? I ask Larry.

Larry's father has been a widower for about three years. He lives in a retirement complex in Florida.

"Fine, fine, full of pep," Larry says. "You want to know something?"

What?

"I think he's dating."

No!

"Yeah, I think so," Larry says. "I call him the other day, and right after we get through the usual stuff about the family and the weather and his kidneys and my kidneys, he asks me if I know anything about lettuce spinners."

What's a lettuce spinner?

"You know, the thing you crank around to get the water out of the lettuce," Larry says.

Oh, you mean a lettuce basket.

"Whatever," Larry says. "Anyway, what is my father doing talking about lettuce spinners? He must be making dinner for somebody. And since he didn't tell me who, I figure it must be a woman. A woman who is telling him to spin his lettuce."

So let me guess, I say. You told him if he wants to spin his lettuce he should take it dancing, right?

"Yeah, right," Larry says. "My father is very big on sardonic humor. No, what I did was send him a lettuce spinner for Christmas."

You bought your father a lettuce spinner for Christmas?

"It was that or a keyless chuck," Larry says. "Hey, look, buddy, I gotta go. Got to take the youngest to soccer."

How's he doing?

"She," Larry said. "At that age, they mainly kick each other, but they seem to have fun. So I'll see you in the New Year, right?"

Larry?

"Yeah?"

Didn't you call to ask me something?

"Oh, yeah, yeah," he says. "When you make a roux, do you have to use clarified butter?"

Naw. I don't think so.

"OK, pal. Catch you later."

Guy talk. How did our fathers do without it?

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading." Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


Comment on Roger Simon's column by clicking here.


Roger Simon Archives


© 2009, Creators Syndicate