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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review January 14, 2009 / 18 Teves 5769

The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic

By Jim Mullen


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Here at Bailout Motors, we spend millions of dollars each year on market research to find out what the auto-buying public wants in a new car. And to my surprise, a vehicle that parks itself wasn't one of the top 100 things customers look for. It wasn't even in the top 1,209 things. Our surveys showed people wanted features like "quality," "durability," "better gas mileage" and "better transmissions." One clown even wanted us to bring back those little vent windows all cars used to have. Automatic parallel parking wasn't mentioned even once. But my wife, Gloria, was always complaining that there was never an empty parking space in front of Tiffany's and Neiman Marcus when she wanted one. She doesn't know how to parallel park anyway.


"I just never learned," she explained to me one night. "Usually, I just have Godfrey let me out in front of the store and tell him to drive around the block until I come out. Like yesterday, I had to get that new $2,600 Prada bag, and I knew I had to get there quick or they'd be sold out. I would have driven myself but until they invent a car that can drive itself around the block until I come out, what could I do?"


But Bailout Motors listens to our customers. And when I say "our customers," I mean my spa-going, Prada-shopping, nanny-firing wife. Isn't she spectacular? The corporate jet was in the shop the day I met Gloria. She was a flight attendant on the only commercial flight I ever took. Kismet. Even though our team of designers and market researchers begged me not to produce this car and instead spend the money improving gas mileage and making a more dependable, easy-to-maintain vehicle, I had to go with my gut. Besides, those guys have been giving me that kind of pie-in-the-sky advice for decades. They're always saying that kind of thing. I knew Gloria would go for the Park-O-Matic in a big way — that's all I needed to know. That's called an executive decision. That's why I get the big bucks. Because I care ... about my stock options and bonuses.


At Bailout Motors, we listen. We hear you. We get it. Not only will the new Park-O-Matic do the dirty work for you, next year's model will automatically circle the block again and again and again until it finds a parking spot within 25 feet of the high-end boutique where you plan to spend more money in 15 minutes than we paid most of our workers last year.


Step into the 2009 Park-O-Matic by Bailout Motor Corp. and you will experience luxury usually found only in the second and third homes of the Aspen and Palm Beach elite. I know because that's where two of my homes happen to be located, or at least, that's where my accountant says they are. The driver's seat can be heated or cooled and it moves in 18 different directions. I personally pulled the engineers off some battery-powered hybrid-y thing that will never happen. That's the Bailout Motors way. It's part of our corporate culture, where we spend more time on the car's radio than most companies spend on their engines. And we offer undercoating.


The innovations never stop at Bailout, the ideas keep coming. We're working on a car that will pull up next to the spot in which you've chosen to park, pick up the car that's already there, lift it up over the Park-O-Matic, slide you in and place the other car out in the middle of the street. You don't want to be the last one on your block to get one of those. Face it, you're too important to park yourself, or take the time to learn. I know I am. Time is money. Every minute I waste parking is time I could be packing my Golden Parachute.

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Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."


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