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Nov. 20, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: How to make every second of your life come first
Caroline B. Glick: Whither American Jewry
Nov. 19, 2009
Binyamin L. Jolkovsky: Please Listen to this Godcast (5 minutes)
Jonathan Tobin: ADL Crosses the Line with Report Bashing Obama Critics
Nov. 18, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: What Judaism has to say about the secret of the Mona Lisa's smile
JWisdom.com: The (Jewish) Dating Game with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff (8 minutes)
Nov. 17, 2009
Steven Emerson: How Does the 4th Amendment Impact Terror Finance Investigations?
JWisdom.com: If Frank Sinatra married Edith Piaf with Rabbi Y.Y. Rubinstein (2 minutes) Life lessons from what would be regarded as the most inappropriate lyrics ever sung
Nov. 16, 2009
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : When borrowing is stealing
JWisdom.com: Deconstructing faith with Rabbi Warren Goldstein (9 minutes)
Nov. 13, 2009
JWisdom.com Sarah's subjective reality with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 6 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick: Obama's failure, Netanyahu's opportunity
Nov. 12, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet By Marialisa Calta : A sweet sweet potato treat
JWisdom.com Does God get tired? with Rabbi Harvey Belovski ( 5 minutes)
Nov. 11, 2009
Rabbi Avi Shafran: Jews and money: When anti-Semitism isn't
JWisdom.com Marriages are not made in Heaven with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff (VERY fast 15 minutes)
Nov. 10, 2009
Michael Doyle: Author of book exposing CAIR ordered to remove supporting documents from Web
JWisdom.com If the creation so loudly shouts the existence of the Creator, why aren't more people believers? with Rabbi Naftali Brawer (9 minutes)
Nov. 9, 2009
Mark Steyn: Shooter exposes hole in U.S. terror strategy
JWisdom.com It's never too late to have a happy childhood with Sarah Chana Radcliffe (5 minutes)
Nov. 6, 2009
Rabbi Berel Wein: Choosing to hear
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick The mullahs' big week
Suzanne Fields A Fallen Wall for Fallen Man
Nov. 5, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet: Three scrumptious -- but simple -- butternut squash dishes
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
Tom Hamburger and Kim Geiger: Should prayers be covered?
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
Martin Peretz: Beware, Barack. Beware, Rahm. Beware, Axelrod
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater? With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The Holocaust is now on Facebook
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review January 14, 2009 / 18 Teves 5769

The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic

By Jim Mullen


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Here at Bailout Motors, we spend millions of dollars each year on market research to find out what the auto-buying public wants in a new car. And to my surprise, a vehicle that parks itself wasn't one of the top 100 things customers look for. It wasn't even in the top 1,209 things. Our surveys showed people wanted features like "quality," "durability," "better gas mileage" and "better transmissions." One clown even wanted us to bring back those little vent windows all cars used to have. Automatic parallel parking wasn't mentioned even once. But my wife, Gloria, was always complaining that there was never an empty parking space in front of Tiffany's and Neiman Marcus when she wanted one. She doesn't know how to parallel park anyway.


"I just never learned," she explained to me one night. "Usually, I just have Godfrey let me out in front of the store and tell him to drive around the block until I come out. Like yesterday, I had to get that new $2,600 Prada bag, and I knew I had to get there quick or they'd be sold out. I would have driven myself but until they invent a car that can drive itself around the block until I come out, what could I do?"


But Bailout Motors listens to our customers. And when I say "our customers," I mean my spa-going, Prada-shopping, nanny-firing wife. Isn't she spectacular? The corporate jet was in the shop the day I met Gloria. She was a flight attendant on the only commercial flight I ever took. Kismet. Even though our team of designers and market researchers begged me not to produce this car and instead spend the money improving gas mileage and making a more dependable, easy-to-maintain vehicle, I had to go with my gut. Besides, those guys have been giving me that kind of pie-in-the-sky advice for decades. They're always saying that kind of thing. I knew Gloria would go for the Park-O-Matic in a big way — that's all I needed to know. That's called an executive decision. That's why I get the big bucks. Because I care ... about my stock options and bonuses.


At Bailout Motors, we listen. We hear you. We get it. Not only will the new Park-O-Matic do the dirty work for you, next year's model will automatically circle the block again and again and again until it finds a parking spot within 25 feet of the high-end boutique where you plan to spend more money in 15 minutes than we paid most of our workers last year.


Step into the 2009 Park-O-Matic by Bailout Motor Corp. and you will experience luxury usually found only in the second and third homes of the Aspen and Palm Beach elite. I know because that's where two of my homes happen to be located, or at least, that's where my accountant says they are. The driver's seat can be heated or cooled and it moves in 18 different directions. I personally pulled the engineers off some battery-powered hybrid-y thing that will never happen. That's the Bailout Motors way. It's part of our corporate culture, where we spend more time on the car's radio than most companies spend on their engines. And we offer undercoating.


The innovations never stop at Bailout, the ideas keep coming. We're working on a car that will pull up next to the spot in which you've chosen to park, pick up the car that's already there, lift it up over the Park-O-Matic, slide you in and place the other car out in the middle of the street. You don't want to be the last one on your block to get one of those. Face it, you're too important to park yourself, or take the time to learn. I know I am. Time is money. Every minute I waste parking is time I could be packing my Golden Parachute.

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Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."


Previously:


Gross-ery shopping



© 2009, NEA

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