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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review January 8, 2009 / 12 Teves 5769

Just in time, here comes 2009

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | With the possible exception of anyone in the "Going Out Of Business" sign business, few Americans will recall this past year with much fondness. Sure, more of us were inspired to vote in 2008 than ever before, but with a deepening economic crisis, multiple wars still raging abroad and global warming threatening life on the planet, many of us fear that it may not make any difference who won on American Idol.


So rather than trying to put lipstick on a pig of a year that was filled with more bumbles, stumbles and scandals than you can throw a shoe at, let us instead look ahead to some of the events that will no doubt leave us even more bitter, still clinging to our guns in the year to come:


January 8: The ongoing Minnesota senate race recount between Al Franken and Norm Coleman is thrown into turmoil when Duluth housewife Edna Nordhagen discovers 1,500 uncounted ballots in her root cellar.


January 19: In his last few hours in office, President Bush issues pardons for Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, Ted Stevens, Tony Soprano, Dr. Richard Kimball, the Outlaw Josey Wales and the Hamburgler.


February 9: Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich holds a press conference to declare that, contrary to the claims of many in the media, he is not delusional and will prove it, "just as soon as I get the go-ahead from Zerblox, grand high ruler of the Andromeda Galaxy."


February 27: Upon his release from prison, Iraqi journalist and noted shoe thrower Muntazer al-Zaidi announces that, after lengthy negotiations, he has agreed to a $140 million contract to pitch for the New York Yankees while also signing on to star as Carrie Bradshaw's love interest in the next Sex in the City movie.


March 19: Congressman Ron Paul announces that he is dropping out of the 2008 presidential race.


April 11: British singer Amy Winehouse checks herself into rehab after being found in a daze, half-naked, wandering the streets of London clutching a bottle of Scotch, a handful of pills and 350 uncounted Minnesota ballots.


May 17: President Obama announces that another round of stimulus checks will be sent to taxpayers, requesting that Americans take advantage of this opportunity to kick-start the economy, then adding, "but if you could wait until after next Tuesday to cash the checks, that would be cool."


June 5: Despite the defendant's claims of unfair punishment for his acquittal while on trial for the murder of his ex-wife, the judge hearing the appeal in OJ Simpson's criminal case upholds the 15-year sentence, calling the decision "appropriate to the severity of the crime," then adding, "plus you killed your wife."


June 23: The target of another FBI sting, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is taken into custody while trying to check into a high-priced Washington DC hotel with two suitcases crammed with Minnesota absentee ballots.


July 9: Longtime supporters of Barack Obama express shock and disappointment when video is released in which the president, during a brief beach vacation, conclusively proves incapable of walking on water.


August 5: Appearing on The Tonight Show, John McCain reveals that his entire 2008 presidential campaign was an 18-month-long comedic performance art piece. "Come on," he tells Jay Leno, "Sarah Palin, qualified to be vice president? 'Suspending' my campaign? Joe the Plumber? No one really bought all that baloney, did they?"


August 26: As a follow-up to his Oscar-nominated performance in the biopic "Milk," actor Sean Penn announces that for his next role he will star in "Cookies," an unblinking depiction of popular Sesame Street character Cookie Monster.


October 1: The May-December romance between Madonna and baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez reportedly ends when the pop singer begins dating the Vienna Boys Choir while the Yankees third baseman is photographed around town with actress Cloris Leachman.


November 21: Any questions about Tiger Woods' recovery from major knee surgery are answered when the golf superstar captures the PGA Championship, the US Open, the Masters and, in a thrilling photo finish, the 2009 Kentucky Derby.


December 3: In an effort to cut costs in anticipation of the holiday travel season, United Airlines announces a round of layoffs aimed at eliminating redundant positions. "Pilots and co-pilots? It seems a little unnecessary to have both," an airline spokesman tells reporters.


December 31: In a daring nighttime raid, a team of US Army Rangers parachute into Pakistan, storm a remote cave and triumphantly emerge with their long-sought target: the last 200 uncounted Minnesota ballots.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

11/20/08: Hotels go for the green
11/06/08: Something does not compute
10/30/08: Early adopters tech their chances
10/21/08: Cyberspace invaders
10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances
09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria
08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion)
06/24/08: Getting the brand back together
05/29/08: Phrased and confused
05/13/08: Take this job and love it
04/17/08: News you can (re)use
04/02/08: Commercial (over)load
02/20/08: An overdose of reality
02/14/08: A developing situation
01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it
01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict
01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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