Home
In this issue
May 16, 2012

Jackson Holahan: The Aleppo Codex
Jonathan Tobin : Iran Declares Victory in Nuclear Talks
Anne Kates Smith: 7 Stocks That Let You Sleep Tight
Carmen Terzic, M.D., Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: A variety of exercises can help improve balance
Melissa Healy: National strategy on Alzheimer's disease aims to halt it by 2025
The Kosher Gourmet by Joyce White : GOODNESS GRACIOUS: GREENS! 4 winning recipes that are no longer just for down-home folks (Includes expert tips & techniques)
May 15, 2012
Dennis Prager: God and Man at (and for) Liberty
Kristen Chick: Obama administration resumes arms sales to Bahrain despite serious unresolved human rights issues. Activists feel abandoned
Pat Mertz Esswein: Homes are now affordable again and mortgage rates are low. What you need to know before you buy
Kathy Kristof: Our Practical Investor Fights Inflation with These 6 Investments
Sue Hubbard, M.D.: The Kid's Doctor: Lactose intolerant young child? Check again
Environmental Nutrition Editors: Get the facts on palm sugar sweetening
The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Hunt: Spread a Little Excitement with EXOTIC CONDIMENTS (4 RECIPES)
May 14, 2012
Richard Simon: Purple Hearts for domestic terror victims?
Nando Pelusi, Ph.D.: The privacy paradox: Surrounded by strangers, we risk isolation, anxiety
Chris Farrell: Investing Lessons from the Great Recession
Lisa Gerstner: How to Protect Your Identity, Finances If You Lose Your Phone
Harvard Health Letters: Heart disease and dementia
Tiffany O'Callaghan: New hormone mimics effects of exercise without the sweat
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: MANGO COCONUT OAT MORNING MUFFINS are a bright but hearty delight
May 11, 2012
Rabbi B. Shafier: Why happiness will always be elusive
Charles Krauthammer: Echoes of '67: Israel unites
Howard LaFranchi: With G8 snub, US-Putin 'reset' off to stumbling start
Jeremy J. Siegel: Investors, Relax About Rising Interest Rates
Jessica L. Anderson: Get the Best Deal on a Used Car
Jett Stone: Forget face-lifts and fake knees. Scientists have seen the fountain of youth --- and it's broccoli
The Kosher Gourmet by Chef Mario Batali: The famed chef's vegetable dish that tastes true to the season: FAVAS AND SUGAR SNAP PEAS WITH POTATOES AND TARRAGON
May 10, 2012
Clifford D. May: The Real Palestinian Refugee Problem
Sergei L. Loiko: Putin sends warning to U.S., NATO in Victory Day speech at Red Square
Mary Rourke: How being a 'mentch' got Vidal Sasoon his start and fighting in Israel's War of Independence provided him with confidence and a strong sense of his own identity
Harvard Health Letters: Palliative care: Underused therapy yields surprising benefits
Jeff Bertolucci: Get Home Phone Service for Less Than $10 a Month
Rachel L. Sheedy and Susan B. Garland : Make the Right Moves to Boost Benefits
The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Gleaming with its golden, crimson, and snowy white hues, this silken smooth and creamy STRAWBERRY ORANGE TRIFLE looks impressive, but is easy to prepare
May 9, 2012
John Rosemond: Parents, stop destroying the American male
Valerie J. Nelson: Maurice Sendak, author of 'Where the Wild Things Are,' dies at 83
Bob Frick: Angst Over Annuities
Sharon Palmer, R.D. How you can reduce your risk -- or delay -- chronic diseases associated with aging
Howard LeWine, M.D.: Ask the Harvard Experts: Why did my blood pressure suddenly shoot up?
Lisa Gerstner: Lower the Rate on All Your Loans
The Kosher Gourmet by Emily Ho : Springtime soba with miso sauce offers a coloful mix of fresh textures and flavors
May 8, 2012
Edmund Sanders: Netanyahu suddenly cancels new elections, forms unity government
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: Farewell to European superstate
Anne Kates Smith: 4 Stocks That Mimic Buffett and Berkshire Hathaway
Gaia Vince and Clare Wilson The Rise of Miniature Medical Robots: Fantasy Fast Becoming Reality
Paul Takahashi, M.D.: Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Never suffer night leg cramps
Jessica L. Anderson: Extended-Warranty Warning
The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Celebrate National Chocolate Chip Day with the Best Cookie Ever (Includes techniques)
May 7, 2012
Mark Clayton: Homeland Security warns major cyber attack aimed at gas pipeline industry underway
Angus Roxburgh: Putin Decoded: World view of a Russian feeling dissed
Kimberly Lankford: Navigate a Course for Long-Term Care
Kevin McCormally How to Adjust Your Tax Withholding
Celeste Robb-Nicholson, M.D.: Harvard Health Letters: How do you treat a Baker's cyst?
Joanne Capano: Healthy Snacks for Children: The Choices May Surprise You
The Kosher Gourmet by Penelope Wall: Classic Creamy Spinach Dip with a Fraction of the Calories and Fat
May 4, 2012
Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Holy 'trivialities'
Jonathan Tobin: Bibi v. Barak will be no contest this time around
Steven Goldberg: Blue Chip Stocks On Sale Worldwide
Art Pine Slow Productivity Growth a Blessing --- For Now
Sue Hubbard, M.D. : The Kid's Doctor: Are Kids Too Wired?
Kerri-Ann Jennings, M.S., R.D: Foods that are good for your smile
Amy Paturel, M.S., M.P.H.: Eating Well: Foods that are good for your smile
The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Strawberry rhubarb parfaits are elegant yet simple to assemble
May 3, 2012
Michael Freund: Who's Afraid of the Messiah?
Clifford D. May: The Foggiest War
Susan B. Garland: Insurance to Cover Old Old Age
Steven Goldberg 6 Reasons to Bet on a Big Bull Market
Harvard Health Letters: Treating prostate cancer --- no rush to judgment
Larry Gordon: Harvard, MIT partner to offer free online courses
Naomi Nix : Man gets free trip to Chicago after postcard sent by mother in 1957 finally reaches him
The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington: Intensely Italian vegetable frittata is a seriously simple standby
May 2, 2012
Daniel Pipes and Steve Emerson : Chris Christie's Islam Problem
Richard Z. Chesnoff: A Nazi collaborator at the Met
Thomas M. Anderson: The Best 529 College-Savings Plans
Harvard Special Report: Fatigue is a symptom of numerous illnesses
Amy Paturel, M.S., M.P.H.: What to eat for a healthy heart and mind


Jewish World Review January 22, 2008 / 15 Shevat 5768

Confessions of a coke addict

By Malcolm Fleschner


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | As anyone who's attended a wedding recently may have noticed, many time-honored wedding conventions are rapidly falling out of favor. Modern brides, for example, often forgo the traditional bouquet toss, preferring to keep the flowers as a memento of their special day. Elaborate, tiered cakes are also less common these days. And many of today's time-pressed young marrieds no longer wait until the reception is over to begin returning gifts.


With wedding customs in such a state of flux, it's no surprise that forward-thinking couples are increasingly choosing to rewrite the traditional wedding vows, a process that typically involves significant pre-matrimonial negotiation.


Bride-to-be: "I'll say I'm going to 'honor' you, but 'obey'? As if. How about, 'Honor and agree to entertain his frequently idiotic suggestions?"


Groom-to-be: "OK, but what about this 'forsaking all others' part — is that firm, or is there some wiggle room for threesomes?"


Modern couples, it seems, understand that putting extra time and effort into crafting deeply personal vows today will make it all the more special on the day they break them. I certainly remember the way my wife and I carefully worded our own vows, emphasizing concepts like trust, honesty and openness. Which is why I feel so awful today when, despite my solemn promises, I regularly go behind my wife's back and almost daily break my expressed promise to her by continuing to drink. To drink soda, that is.


My wife is adamantly opposed to soda, a stance that dates back, coincidentally enough, to when she quit her Diet Dr. Pepper habit cold turkey. Since we've become parents, however, she's grown more insistent that I also set a good example for the children.


"Wait, I thought that was your job," is not an acceptable defense, it turns out.


Unlike other junk food items, soda is virtually indefensible on nutritional grounds. Even a Snickers bar has nuts, which provide some level of protein, not to mention all that bone-strengthening calcium contained in the milk chocolate. But when my wife catches me sneaking a Coke, it's difficult to argue that I'm merely trying to meet my recommended daily allowance of, say, caramel color.


My love affair with soda originated in childhood when, much as my wife tries to do today, my mother banned soda from our house. Instead, Mom purchased the ostensibly more healthy — and definitely less expensive — Carnation brand powdered milk. Imagine my delight when a friend would come over and Mom, after offering the unsuspecting child a drink, instead of walking over to the refrigerator, would pull from the pantry a large box containing what appeared to be dishwashing detergent, stir two spoonfuls into a glass of water and, grinning, hand the light bluish, powdery concoction over to the child.


Needless to say, "Let's get together after school — at my house" was a refrain I frequently heard from grade school chums.


And so began my lifetime of illicit soda consumption. Of course, marketing also played a key role. Specifically here I'm thinking of a contest from my youth in which consumers were instructed to collect caps from 16-ounce bottles of Pepsi. On the underside of each cap was printed a single letter, and anyone who could spell out the phrase "Pepsi Spirit," was guaranteed a fabulous cash prize.


With each successive bottle of Pepsi I could taste that money, even through all the sodium benzoate. After about a week, however, during which time I consumed approximately 4,000 bottles of Pepsi, it became clear that while all the other letters were easily obtained, I was about as likely to find a pint-sized Amelia Earhart as the letter "R" under a Pepsi bottle cap.


This conclusion was borne out by my friends, who were similarly disappointed in their pursuit of the elusive "R." In search of Pepsi Spirit, all we got was a handful of "Pepsi Spiit." Still, the experience carried with it an important lesson: specifically, that companies with highly visible truck fleets should probably not enrage caffeine-and-sugar-addled pre-adolescent boys, particularly if said boys are in possession of hundreds of empty glass bottles.


Much as I felt burned by the Pepsi Corporation, the damage was done, and I was hooked. As a result, today I'm forced to sneak sodas behind my wife's back like a 13-year-old boy with an illicit Playboy.


Wife: (knocking on bathroom door)"Hey, what's going on in there? Do I hear effervescence? Me: No, honey, just taking my medicine! (as prescribed by my personal physician, Dr. Pepper)


But as they say, the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem. Clearly, the best course of action is for my wife and me to sit down and have a frank and open discussion about our feelings on the matter. And then revise our vows.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

Insight (Our Columnists)

 Arnold Ahlert
 Mitch Albom
 Jay Ambrose
 Michael Barone
 Barrywood
 Lori Borgman
 Stratfor Briefing
 Mona Charen
 Linda Chavez
 Richard Z. Chesnoff
 Ann Coulter
 Greg Crosby
 Alan Douglas
 Larry Elder
 Suzanne Fields
 Frank J. Gaffney
 Bernie Goldberg
 Jonah Goldberg
 Julia Gorin
 Jonathan Gurwitz
 Paul Greenberg
 Argus Hamilton
 Victor Davis Hanson
 Betsy Hart
 Ron Hart
 Nat Hentoff
 Marybeth Hicks
 A. Barton Hinkle
 David Horowitz
 Jeff Jacoby
 Renee James
 Paul Johnson
 Jack Kelly
 Ed Koch
 Ch. Krauthammer
 Michael Ledeen
 John Leo
 David Limbaugh
 Kathryn Lopez
 Rich Lowry
 Michelle Malkin
 Jackie Mason
 Ann McFeatters
 Dale McFeatters
 Dana Milbank
 Jeanne Moos
 Dick Morris
 Jim Mullen
 Deroy Murdock
 Judge A. Napolitano
 Bill O'Reilly
 Kathleen Parker
 Star Parker
 Dennis Prager
 Wesley Pruden
 Tom Purcell
 Sharon Randall
 Robert Robb
 Cokie & Steve Roberts
 Heather Robinson
 Pat Sajak
 Debra J. Saunders
 Martin Schram
 Culture Shlock
 David Shribman
 Roger Simon
 Michael Smerconish
 Thomas Sowell
 Ben Stein
 Mark Steyn
 John Stossel
 Cal Thomas
 Dan Thomasson
 Bob Tyrrell
 Ben Wattenberg
 Diana West
 Dave Weinbaum
 George Will
 Walter Williams
 Byron York
 ZeitGeist
 Mort Zuckerman

'Toons
 Robert Arial
 Chuck Asay
 Baloo
 Chip Bok
 Dry Bones
  Lisa Benson
 John Branch
 John Cole
 J. D. Crowe
 John Deering
 Brian Duffy
 Everything's Relative
 Mallard Fillmore
 Glenn Foden
 Jake Fuller
 Bob Gorrel
 Walt Handelsman
 Joe Heller
 David Hitch
 Jerry Holbert
 David Horsey
 Lee Judge
 Steve Kelley
 Jeff Koterba
 Dick Locher
 Chan Lowe
 Jimmy Margulies
 Jack Ohman
 Michael Ramirez
 Drew Sheneman
 Kevin Siers
 Jeff Stahler
 Scott Stantis
 Ed Stein
 Danna Summers
 John Trever
 Gary Varvel
 Kirk Walters
  Dan Wasserman

Lifestyles
 Mr. Know-It-All
 Ask Doctor K
 Richard Lederer
 Frugal Living
 Tech Maven
 On Nutrition
 Bookmark These
 Bruce Williams