The Rev. Pat "Nostradamus" Robertson has just predicted a massive terrorist attack on U.S. soil in late 2007. He claims that G d told him the attack would happen. Which is impressive, this time of the year I can't get hold of the cable company.
Let's examine Robertson's prognosticating track record. He predicted President Bush would win re-election. Check. He predicted Bush would nominate several conservative judges. Check. He predicted approval of Social Security reform. Oops. He predicted several large storms. Semi-check.
With The Amazing Kreskin flying under the radar these days and the passing of Johnny Carson and his Amazing Carnac character, with the exception of groundhog Punxatawney Phil, the Rev. Robertson has the prediction racket mostly to himself. Thus I hereby enter the arena. I'll begin by predicting the remainder of this column will be hit and miss, with some funny stuff and others that sail wide of the mark.
I predict: The city of Denver will be hit with two more massive snowstorms in the time it takes me to type this sentence.
I predict: Neither thespian Adam Sandler nor Rob Schneider will win a Best Actor Academy Award this year.
I predict: The 2007 Super Bowl telecast will feature an unbelievably offensive commercial with at least one of the following: A lactose intolerant horse, an incontinent chimp, or an awkward encounter between a dog in heat and a short pants-wearing mailman.
I predict: The Barack Obama juggernaut will continue with millions of people jumping on the bandwagon. 80% of these people have no idea who Barack Obama is, other than a charismatic, handsome guy.
I predict: Gerald Ford will make history for lying in state for a longer period of time than he served as president.
I predict: Donald Trump will be arrested for tarring and feathering Rosie O'Donnell. Trump will go on to make history as the first man to get a better haircut in prison than he had on the outside.
I predict: Saddam Hussein will spend this year and the remainder of eternity complaining about oppressive heat.
I predict: Britney Spears will be passed out cold for most of 2007, and will be carried around the world in a semi-comatose state by security guards, and propped up against walls for appearances and interviews by Child Protective Services. Nevertheless, her popularity will remain high.
I predict: Jessica Simpson will go on Celebrity Jeopardy and lose to Forest Gump when she responds to the question, "Name the number between four and six" by answering, "What is 92."
I predict: For much of the year actor Mickey Rourke will continue to hold out, and will remain the only celebrity on Earth who hasn't yet written a children's book.
I predict: The price of gas will spiral upward in early June. The oil companies will claim this is due to friction between two obscure, tiny Middle East countries called Taraq and Spitbovia, when in fact everyone knows it's because the summer vacation season is beginning.
I predict: Sometime in mid fall Jennifer Aniston will run out of actors to date on this planet and will launch a search for other forms of semi-intelligent life throughout the universe.
I predict: Mel Gibson will be rushed to the hospital with a severe case of foot in mouth disease.
I predict: Michael Richards will not be asked to host the Vibe Awards.
I predict: Nicole Richie will be revealed as a talentless fraud whose only real ability is managing to stay out of jail and rehab.
I predict: In early December Mickey Rourke will cave in and write a children's book called "Dick And Jane Breaka Each Other's Faces."
I predict: Next winter the check out lines at Wal Mart and other major retailers will slow to a crawl as cashiers are instructed to tell departing customers: "Happy holidays, have a Merry Christmas, lovely Hanukkah, and a sensational Kwanza."
