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Jewish World Review Jan. 27, 2006 / 27 Teves, 5766 Confessions of a Ringer: I'm back to my old 1-800 tricks By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
For my new year's resolution this year, I promised to stop making crank calls to customer service reps. Fortunately, I made these calls in December. Animal Crackers Me: I have a suggestion. You should put a new animal in the box. The cuttlefish. Victoria: A cuttlefish. Okay, I'm going to put that down. Me: I belong to the Swedenborgian Gymnosophist Christa-delphian sect, a little-known offshoot of the Transcendental Theosophism movement. We worship cuttlefish, and I think it would be an important act of religious tolerance for Nabisco to respect our faith by including this important animal. Victoria: Absolutely. Me: I implore you, please do not discriminate against Swedenborgian Gymnosophist Christadelphians just because cuttlefish resemble phlegm. Victoria: I will pass your suggestion to appropriate staff. Me: Wow, you really stay on message. Victoria: Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Dawn dish detergent Me: I notice the instructions on your label are written in both English and Spanish, but you do not include my native Latvian. I am deeply offended. Carol: Oh, my goodness. Me: I feel this discriminates against people of Latvian descent and is further evidence of a general American ignorance of our beautiful nation. You probably do not even know what our capital is, or our main export. Carol: I don't. Me: One of the exports is linoleum, particularly to Sweden. Carol: Absolutely, I didn't know that. Me: Americans never do. Did you know that folk songs and folkloric dances are an important part of Latvian national identity? Carol: No. Me: Also, in the Middle Ages we were a key member of the Hanseatic League, and a major commercial center of Europe. Carol: Oh, my goodness. Well, we want you to be happy. Me: I'm not happy. I'm sad. But it's because I'm just now realizing that maybe Latvia isn't very important. Maybe it's just a dinky little country. Carol: I'm sorry. Me: Carol: I hope you have a nice new year, sir. KitchenAid Food Processor Me: I have a complaint about your product. It processes food. But aren't processed foods supposed to be bad for you? Deb: No, no. That's as in factory-processed, because they add preservatives. Our processor doesn't take nutrients out. Me: So it just sort of chews it up? Deb: Right. Shreds it and liquefies. Me: Well, then maybe you should call it the KitchenAid Cud Maker. Or the KitchenAid Goo, Gruel, Mucus, Slime and Slop Machine. Deb: Ha-ha. That would sell really well! Me: At least it wouldn't confuse people. Loctite Power Grab adhesive Me: I have a complaint. Your product says it creates a permanent bond with plastic, metal, etc. But it doesn't mention ears. Duane: Say that again . . . ? Me: Ears. Like when someone uses it to glue together the earpiece of his phone, and then makes a call too soon, if you see what I am saying. Duane: Right. Me: I didn't know who else to call, but I had to call someone, because I can't do anything else. Duane: I'm almost scarily getting an idea of what you are talking about. Me: I've been making phone calls for the last six hours. Making phone calls is basically my whole life, now. I have made my mother happy, though. Duane: This is one of the most interesting calls I've gotten all year. The best way to dissolve it is to submerge yourself in hot water. It'll break up at 140 degrees, and humans can take 150 degrees before their skin burns. Me: Whoa. You know, it really doesn't look that bad. It kind of makes me look important, like I've always got business to transact. Can I just keep it? Duane: Sure you can! Or you can saturate your head in canola oil, which will free it up, too. Me: Duane, you are laughing at me. Duane: No, I'm not. Me: I can hear you. Duane: Okay, I am.
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