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Jewish World Review Jan. 9, 2006 / 9 Teves, 5766 Friendships can't be forced, like bulbs, but they can thrive only with care By Karen Heller
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Pets aren't a woman's best friend. Friends are.
Friends are like pets, though. They need to be treated well,
nourished with food and water, the latter preferably with a soupcon
of scotch.
Treats? Definitely. If friends don't spoil friends, who, precisely,
will?
Friends need regularly scheduled playtime, to be taken for walks and
periodically checked for fleas.
So the analogy isn't quite apt.
Friendships are healthy organisms, each possessing a lifespan of its
own. Some are Galapagos turtles, lasting an eternity. Others wilt
like fruit flies.
Never cosset bugs. Turn them loose. You shouldn't force a friendship
— best to enjoy it while you can.
Keep the turtles. They're worth maintaining, capable of weathering
almost any circumstance — distance, upheaval, even substandard
beaus.
Friendships need care. Not work, mind you, but care. Ideally, little
in life should be work. Especially work.
An essential element to happiness is carving out time for the people
we like best, especially when we're forced to spend so much time
with those we do not. If we don't do this, we're lost.
Friend regimens — walks, meals, chats — are part of a healthy,
balanced life, much like an exercise or diet regimen. But more
pleasant and fulfilling, with less sweat and no denial.
Good friends will let you off the hook when you've gone too long
without speaking, especially if they've been equally negligent.
Life is too unforgiving already to choose severe companions. They're
hardly worth the trouble.
Besides, that's what relatives are for.
That's why we have so many friends, to suit every occasion.
Much like sweaters.
Romance is harder. We ask so much of one individual — unless we're
French or something, then we ask so much of so many — to be all
things at different times, like always dining at one restaurant.
Fortunately, friends come in so many varieties — Silly Friend,
Intense Friend, Work Friend,
Go-A-Month-Without-Talking-And-Everything-Has-Changed Friend.
Some of my favorite people live in other area codes, an unfortunate
but not irreparable condition. Getting older doesn't make
maintenance easier, given competing demands of partners, little
people and careers, the last having an annoying tendency to obstruct
fun.
Lizzie has been a friend forever, since the crib, and I like
everything about her, except that she lives in Boston.
"Friendship's like a sourdough bread starter," she says. "You just
have to knead it, add a little flour from time to time, but you
always know it's there."
We have regular phone dates. We try to get together at least once a
year, as I do with all my dearest friends. Of course, when you have
six or seven good friends who live in other places, a casualty of a
peripatetic life, this can get complicated, but it's important and
fun.
One last metaphor: It's essential to stoke the embers, to keep the
hearth of the friendship alive, otherwise you end up feeling cold.
And sniffly.
Lizz and I speak often, as I do with all my friends. Consequently,
when Lizzie announced she was getting remarried last autumn — this
time, to the right man — I wasn't in the position of saying, as I
did to one woman, "Terrific!" and then, after a moment of extreme
befuddlement, "Who's the guy?"
One way to keep friendships refreshed is to tighten the circle. It's
hard to keep close when work, community and daily life don't overlap
in any way.
When one of my cherished friends moved to Baltimore three years ago,
I introduced her to another. Now, they're the best of friends. When
I visit one, I get a twofer.
To date, Katie and Sara are the best fix-up I ever made, far more
successful than any romantic matchup, and the nicest gift I ever
gave either one.
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Karen Heller is a columnist for Philadelphia Inquirer. Comment by clicking here. © 2006, The Philadelphia Inquirer Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services. |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
