We are on the verge of a milestone. According to the U.S. Census Bureau any day now the 300 millionth American is expected to
be conceived and will be likely be born in October. I'd like to express my wishes and hopes to that 300 millionth American.
Perhaps his parents can read him or her this letter soon after birth.
Dear 300 Millionth American:
It is my wish you will have a wonderful, happy, prosperous life. It is also my wish that you never purchase an automobile, and, if you
defy that wish, I would hope that you stay off the freeways between 2 and 9 pm, which in many cities is known as "rush hour."
In case you're counting rush hour is actually seven hours, and a misnomer , as usually nobody rushes anywhere, everyone just
sits in their stopped cars.
If you do own a car please don't bring it in for service at the dealership on a Saturday, as most of the other 299 million plus
Americans will be there in line ahead of you.
If you are one of the few Americans able to save any money always keep it under your mattress. The lines at the banks are way too
long already.
The prospective advances in your lifetime are incredible. Chances are you will live to see cars that fly, trains that travel 400 m.p.h.,
cures for most diseases, and possibly, even, Congress reach a resolution on a flag burning Amendment which, if it occurs at all,
will be near the end of your life.
The experts predict there's an excellent chance you'll be born in Southern California, which means you could be the
progeny of a celebrity. I hope you don't have the misfortune to be born to a celebrity, as they have a penchant for weird names.
See Gwyneth Paltrow (named her daughter Apple), Slash from Guns N Roses (son — Cash) and actor Rob Morrow (daughter — Tu
Morrow). You could wind up with a name like Sasquatch Jolie-Pitt.
On the other hand try to get in the same class at school as Britney Spears' and Kevin Federline's baby, that kid should
lower the grade curve quite a bit and make your life easier.
In your life it is estimated you will see about 34,150 sunsets, 19 U.S. presidents, 2,000 postal rate increases, 800 embarrassing
Joan Rivers' gaffes, and zero Los Angeles Clippers NBA titles.
As an American you will spend roughly half your life looking for parking and the other half trying to get a dial tone on your cellphone.
That's just the way it is. Better yet — don't get a cellphone. "You hear me now?!"
It is my wish that you don't have friends or stay in close contact with your relatives that way you won't have to purchase
any Christmas gifts. It's a tradition in this country for most of the other 300 million Americans to descend on the shopping malls
on Dec 23 or 24 every year, and the ensuing carnage often looks like a prison riot. Please refrain from becoming part of this.
Remember that in America a person is judged not on merit, honesty, hard work or virtue, but rather on the size of their TV screen.
The bigger your screen the more status you have in society. In your lifetime you should see in-debt Americans with TV screens the
size of the planet Pluto.
Also, 300 millionth American, at the rate Americans' waistlines are expanding, in your lifetime we should see the average
weight of a person in the U.S. tip the scales around 290 lbs, so if you're looking for a career to get-rich-quick, I'd look into
the Twinkie or Ding Dong business.
As the 300 millionth American you will be duly honored. I would imagine your parents will receive at minimum a new fondue set and
the honors will continue as you grow up. You will probably be called upon to give commencement speeches, that, ironically, you, as
the 300 millionth American will likely deliver in Spanish, Armenian, or Chinese, which would somehow be weirdly appropriate.
That's about it, little one. Due to medical advances you could easily live to be 115 years old, so enjoy Cher's final farewell tour.
