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Zeidy Zalman Tells the Terrible Tale of "The Snitch"


Reader Response

Jr. Jewish World
January 1, 1998 / 3 Tevet, 5758

The Deal of a Lifetime! Zeidy Zalman!

Zeidy Zalman has another tale of old Europe in store. Gather near the fire to hear of a good but poor man's good fortune, and the good fortune of a slightly less rich man, too!

Yossel stood before the Apta Rebbe in tattered clothing and ripped shoes. Despair enveloped his entire being like a sandwich enclosed in a Ziploc bag. You could see it not only in how he spoke, but how he stood -- slumped over -- and, walked --- with his head always bowed, facing the ground.

"Rebbe, my daughter is of marriageable age, but I am so poor. I don't have even a single cent to marry her off with. The money I earn is so minimal, it barely allows me to feed my family. We just survive. Can you please give me a blessing or maybe advise me on some means of how to make a living?"

The Rebbe closed his eyes and put his hands over his wrinkled face. Then, flashing a smile, he said: "I will do both."

"How much money do you have with you now, Yossel?" he asked.

"Well, actually... one ruble (About $30). Just enough to get me home," Yossel answered, sheepishly. "And I need no less than a thousand rubles to marry my daughter off."

Nothing is a sorrier sight than to see a grown man cry. But Yossel couldn't hold back his tears any longer.

"Don't worry, Yossel," the Rebbe reassured him. "Even this single ruble will suffice to marry off your daughter."

Yossel's tears were replaced with a befuddled look. But he didn't dare question the saint.

"On your way home, whatever business deal you are offered, accept it, no matter what," the Rebbe instructed. "Do you understand? Any deal!" he emphasized.

"Thank you, Rebbe," Yossel said as he exited the holy man's sparsely furnished study.

Immediately, Yossel began to seek out places where he was likely to meet businessmen.

His first stop was an inn, where he spotted a group of diamond dealers gathered around a table, examining gems. As Yossel inched closer, one of the merchants looked down at his ripped shoes and frayed suit.

"Would you like to buy a diamond, my noble-looking friend?" he asked mockingly.

"Well, yes, actually," Yossel replied.

"And how much money are you willing to spend?" the gems' owner inquired.

"I have exactly one ruble," Yossel answered matter-of-factly.

All of the dealers in the room immediately bent over in side-splitting laughter.

"Listen here. Forget about buying any of these precious stones with your lousy ruble," said a heavyset man, who was obviously the main merchant. "But I've got something even better. You can buy my entire oilahm Habah (Eternity) for that ruble."

All of the other merchants burst out laughing again at this clever joke. But Yossel remembered the Rebbe's words. And he took the matter seriously.

"I will agree to by your portion in the World to Come on the condition that we draw up a legal bill of sale and you sign it," Yossel said, seriously.

The merchant agreed and taking out his pen, drew up a proper bill of sale, signed it and gave it to Yossel, receiving the ruble in exchange. Yossel put the document in his pocket.

All of the merchants were now laughing at the utter foolishness of this man, who had spent his last rouble on a worthless piece of paper. When the wife of Yossel's business "associate," the one who really owned the diamonds, being the daughter of a very wealthy man, heard the laughter, she immediately walked over to the men to see what was so funny.

The smile on her face almost immediately turned sour when her husband told her of his latest venture. Being a far more spiritual person than him, she was deeply shocked. With her finger outstretched she made herself clear:

"Listen to me. I'm only going to say this once," she began yelling, as her husband's clients fell deathly silent. "I'm not a prophet and you certainly ain't no saint. But there is no telling if your fun may have caused you to lose the little Eternity you may have had. I will not stay married to someone like you!"

Now it was time for the chief merchant to be taken aback. Without his wife, he would be a total loser, and he knew it well. "It was a joke, just a silly, immature little joke," he stammered, as his ego, once bigger than his waistline, deflated.

"Did you sign a legal document?" she demanded. "If so, let's go straight to a rabbi. This marriage is through."

Mustering what remained of his self-esteem, the chief merchant ran after Yossel, who had already left the inn, and asked that he be released from the contract. Yossel adamantly refused. The Rebbe had told him to transact business, after all, not to break a contract.

"Very well, then," the merchant pleaded. "I'll allow you to make a small profit. How much do you want for it?"

Yossel could now picture himself standing before the Rebbe. The holy man promised him that from his one ruble, he would be able marry off his daughter.

"A small profit, huh," Yossel said, smiling. "I'm asking no less than 1,000 rubles."

"Are you crazy!? There is no way I'm going to..." His pronouncement went silent when his wife suddenly appeared, wagging her finger.

"Give him what he wants and do it now or our relationship is over," she demanded.

The merchant tried to beat back the price. But Yossel wouldn't budge. "I'm only following the Rebbe's instructions," he said, with pride and determination.

Reluctantly, the merchant handed over the money in return for the bill of sale.

His wife, intrigued by Yossel's remark, traveled to see the Apta Rebbe.

"Tell me, please, holy Rebbe, was my husband's Eternity really worth the thousand rubles?" she asked.

"When he first made the sale," the Apta Rebbe told her, "his Oilahm Habah wasn't even worth one ruble. But because he bought it back for a thousand and thereby helped a poor man marry off his daughter, his Eternity became worth at the very least several thousand rubles."

The Rebbe paused for a moment. "In fact, you could tell your husband in a language he understands well: he just made the deal of a lifetime, not to mention Eternity."

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